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Your questions about commitment issues dating relationship advice

Thursday, January 20th, 2011 at 12:05 am  
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Jenny asks…

Relationship Advice! Is commitment an issue to women that act like this? Kindly read.?

Me and this girl were dating for 3 months. All of a sudden she says that she feels its not going anywhere. BUT she calls me and texts me like we are still dating. Do you think she just needs time. Today she texts me twice and calls me and I didn’t respond until an hour later and she thinks I am ignoring her. Is this a game???? I really like her and i felt we really never got to know eachother well enough. Would she still miss me if i just back off and would that be my only chance. We clicked very very well. Had sex 2 times and enjoyed each other company. Anyone have any life experiences to share etc.. I am 30 she 26.Why would she think I am ignoring her if she broke it off? Any advice or anything .. PLEASE. Could she just be thinking of still being with me? What does a girl think in this situation.
Last night she invited me out to dinner then back to her house. I told her I thought she was confused and unsure of what she wanted. She really didn’t say much to that. We were happy together last night. She keeps saying we are friends but I don’t understand. Could it be she is just starting to have a lot of feelings and she is now terrified of being hurt or is she just being nice?? Next day I told her I was moving on and she was scared? Later that night we hung out and she had sex with me and she is starting to get close with me again! She now keeps talking about relationship stuff with me? Is this my second chance? Is she just fearful of commitment or what? Any Advice/Life experiences to share??

linda answers:

She’s scared of commitment but she doesn’t want to be alone.
I was in a relationship with a man two years older than myself who acted just like this. I figured that he did it because on the surface he fancied himself as a player but deep down he was terrified of being alone.
She’s keeping you dangling so that if she feels like no one wants her, she can call you and know that you’ll come running.

Tell her straight that you don’t understand and if she continues to show nothing but disrespect for your feelings, ignore her.
:) xxx

Ken asks…

I think I have commitment issues… any help, advice, or anything else it could be?

Im 15 and in highschool. Ive been asked out by some guys this year and as much as i want a long-term relationship, i cant seem to do it. I have a lot of friends who have been with their boyfriends for a year or 2 and are still together. i want that. When i finally get the guy i like to ask me out and i say yes, i get really uncomfortable and want to be with other guys and not with the guy who asked me out. ive tried to force myself to be happy, but i just can’t seem to do it. i would NEVER cheat though. the longest ive had a relationship for was 8 months and thats when i forced myself but it just made me feel worse. ive only dated about 7 guys (i dont make it official until we kiss, usually on the 2nd or 3rd date) and they were all really nice and seem to have cared about me, but i just kept criticizing them in my head even though i really liked them before. Before i started dating them, they looked perfect, i loved their personalities, everything about them, but as soon as westarted dating, it changed, i seemed to uncontrolably look for every little flaw they had. I havent had any trauma. my parants have been together for 23 years and are still going strong. Any help or advice?

linda answers:

Its just a phase and you will get through it but you cant make yourself sorry. I went through it too and so have my friends, its different for everyone in the way it happens but, i think it must just be part of growing up. It passes like every phase. I was with a guy who really liked me, even said he loved me and i thought he was awesome but I couldnt stay with him, i’d be at parties with him, but atttracted to different guys and then wanted to be with them instead, i broke it off and we stayed friends, and then i past through my phase and we ended up back together. I’d be with him forever given the chance so i dont think you have commitment issues, its just life :P x

Sandra asks…

Commitment issues??

Whenever I start dating someone I am perfectly happy and content dating them for about 2 months and then something just snaps. I start trying to avoid them. I don’t like being around him or even answering his phone calls. It’s been like this with every relationship I have ever had with a guy. I have never been hurt so I don’t feel like I’m trying to protect myself.
I have managed to stick it out for 6 months now with my current boyfriend. I am getting to that point where I don’t want to do anything with him anymore. I actually dread having to talk to him. This isn’t how I want to feel, but I can’t help it. He keeps telling me that he loves me, and that if I were to break up with him he would never be able to trust a woman ever again. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a great guy. but I feel like I am incapable of loving anyone other than my friends and family. I just don’t feel the same way.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just need some advice. please.

linda answers:

I can relate to everything you just said. Not to overanalyze the matter, but it would probably be wise to look a little deeper into your tendancy.

Typically, I find it very difficult to be just “happy” in a relationship. It is great for a month or two, and then I’m looking for the exit. I’m pushing 40, and nothing has changed in the last 20 years of dating. At this point, there is no shame in just admitting some truths I have encountered.

1) I enjoy my own life, space, and privacy. Dating can be an intrusion. However, this alone does not make me look for the exit.

2) It seems difficult for me at times to believe that the person I am dating could possibly be interested in me. I contrive ways to invalidate their affection. People have told me I have low self esteem and low estimates of my worth. Not sure what it is they see.

3) It is difficult to look down the road even 3 to 5 years and see myself married, or in some instances raising step-children. Simply can’t picture it. Not that it is something I dread. Not at all. Put simply, try as I may, it is something that just doesn’t any kind of tangibility.

At this point, I’m getting a little tired of being alone. Having no emotional support system is hard to live with. I’ve asked the same questions you just did for 15 years or more.

I know this is no answer, but it is important to me that you not tear yourself up over the matter. Who knows, maybe it is as natural for you and I to want to be alone as it is for other people to naturaly want to be in a relationship.

Joseph asks…

Break up/Relationship Advice.. on the verge of insanity.?

Well if anyone has the time to hear me out, I’d REALLY appreciate it, because I have a lot to say, and I really, REALLY need the help from people who aren’t biased or won’t judge me.

I’m 18. I’ve been in one real relationship. Until I met this guy, I was basically a nobody, all I did was be a cute little innocent school girl. Until I met *him*. When we got together, everything changed, including what I did (like drinking, clubbing) to the people I hung out with. I met him when I was 16, and he was 18. I’m now 18 and he is 20. I grew up very quickly because of my ex. I matured faster and found myself always being the youngest in the crowd.

Because he was my first, we had a strong connection, but I was always curious, and sometimes I got bored and had commitment issues. He treated me like a queen. He did everything and anything for me. I always had attitude issues and got frustrated easily. I took him for granted. He forgave me a lot. Sometimes I would find myself getting lured into other guy’s traps. This happened nearly 3 times. The 3rd time I caught myself.

We dated for a total of 13 months. We just broke up 10 days ago. In these past 10 days I’ve had suicidal thoughts, I’ve hurt myself, I never wanted to wake up. I spent the last 13 months of my life with this man, and all of the sudden, HE’S GONE. Especially because our mutual friends prefer him over me, I feel very lonely. I don’t enjoy life anymore.

He says he can’t trust me, he says he never loved me, he says he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t grasp that though. He has said some very cruel things to me. I never cheated on him though. Never. I talked to other guys while dating him.

Disaster makes people change, and that’s what happened to me. I never realized anything was wrong with me until the most important thing was taken away from me, and I would kill to get my love back. I wanted to marry him. I just never could admit it, and I would never tell him… He gave me a ring, he took it back.. he took back all his clothes, everything. He ignored my calls for 10 days, we’ve talked a few times, but that would be me begging for him, or him telling me nasty, awful names.

How can I get my love back? I would do anything…
To the first responder, I did not cheat on him.

linda answers:

Hey! If I were you, I would check out this blog:

http://relationshipadviceandconfessions.blogspot.com/

You can email in a question and a relationship expert will reply with advice for you. It is awesome! They really helped me out yesterday. It’s completely anonymous. Good luck!

David asks…

my boyfriend has major trust and commitment issues..please help?

i met my boyfriend over the summer. he was not the normal type of guy that i would date but dispite all of the flaws or waht not i started to fall for him like really fast. which in my case never happens..i just never felt this way about anyone. come to find out i had more feelings for him and we stopped seeing eachother he actually went back to his ex at this time (at this point we were only dating nt committed). he ended up realizing that he had made a mistake and wanted to be with me and commit to me. he told me he didnt realize what he had when we were dating and wanted to make it work. well at this point i was aware of his trust and commitment issues due to his past relationships of woman lieing and cheating. i choose to take him back simply because i had felt from the moment i started dating him that things were just right. he is an amazing guy and i feel i am also an amazing woman…we are seriously the couple that everyone looks at and envys. everyone that sees us says we are perfect for each other and can see the chemistry. well i stopped dancing and made many changes for our relationship because i truly do care very deeply for him. everything was going great i mean better than i could have ever asked for. there were a few times where i didnt tell him the truth for no reason even though i could have i felt as though i couldnt which was my mistake. but i never cheated or did anything towards him or against our relationship. tht happend within the first 6weeks of our committed relationship. since then i have been so honest with him god is smiling at me. But he now is saying that he isnt sure if he sees a future due to his lack of trust and not being sure if he ever sees himself getting married. seriously i love this guy and know that i will never hurt him or ever be dishonest about anything but i dont know how to prove that to him. i have apologized to him many times about not being honest with him. we live together right now and we are trying to figure out what to do … stay together or split up . i want to stay together obviously but am at a loss of what to do…i know many people would say leave why would you want to be with a guy who feels that way but i care so much for him and want this to work i know how perfect we are together but idk if his fear of someone hurting him is gonna be the end of us… having him essentially shutting me out and pushing me away. please give me advice and no rude comments..thank you so much

linda answers:

You can’t control how he feels or what he wants. If he has no trust and is unsure of the relationship, and if he is thinking of splitting, you can’t force him to change his mind. It would be wrong on your part to make him stay in a relationship he doesn’t want.

Trust me, if he does want out, you’ll find at some point that there is a silver lining to this black cloud. If you’re an amazing woman, then there is a guy out there who WANTS to be in a committed, honest relationship without hesitation. A guy who has a healthy attitude and outlook.

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Get Your Guy Back When Youre In A Bad Position

Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 2:14 pm  
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Traci wanted to get her guy back.  She wasn’t in a good position to do so however.  She had accused her ex, Cory, of flirting with her best friend.  Traci knew that Cory was just being friendly, but she was having a bad day and she took it out on Cory.

Now Traci is contrite and she wants to get her guy back.  Unfortunately, the guy doesn’t want to be gotten back.  He wants nothing further to do with Traci.  What’s a girl to do?

First of all, Traci needs to apologize.  This needs to be a sincere apology.  If he doesn’t want to listen to her, she should write a note.

There are three components to a genuine apology.  First of all, there is a recognition that what she did was wrong.  Then, there is an introspection as to why she did it.  Finally, there is a commitment to not do it again.

For instance, Traci needs to say “Brian, I was wrong to accuse you of flirting with Sandy.  I was feeling insecure for a number of reasons that had nothing to do with you and I snapped.  I realize that I hurt you badly and I’m sorry.  In the future, I will be careful not to lash out at you when I’m feeling crummy about myself.”

Next, she needs to sit back and allow Brian to process what she’s said.  This may just take a few minutes or it could take days.  If he’s not initially receptive, she should not contact him until he contacts her.  That means that she shouldn’t call, email, or text him.  She shouldn’t engage him on social networks.  She shouldn’t send him gifts or letters.

She should also avoid having friends intercede for her.  Having a friend contact Brian would be the same thing as Traci contacting him herself and there is always the possibility that the friend could (deliberately or not) miscommunicate the message.

Instead, Traci should wait for Brian to contact her.  He will, eventually, if only to get his stuff that she has back.  This is Traci’s opportunity to strike.

She should keep things light.  She shouldn’t go overboard and tell him how much she’s missed him or how sorry she is about the situation.

Instead, she should bring up some of the positive experiences they’ve shared.  If that goes over well, she can talk about the little things that she’s missed such as his smile or the way he always holds the umbrella when it rains.  Then, she should suggest they meet for a not-date date such as a short get together at a coffee shop.

If he is agreeable to coffee, they can discuss more weighty matters.  She can apologize again at that point and recommit to not making the same error again.  At that point, she can say that she misses having him in her life and would like to get back together.

Traci has let Brian blow off any steam he had about the incident.  She has also given him both time and reasons to want her back.  At that point, she doesn’t have to do much work to get her guy back.

Getting Over Break Up Steps of Recovery

Monday, July 13th, 2009 at 8:25 pm  
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Are you getting over break up right now?  Do you hurt so bad that you feel like your heart is going to explode?  Do you want to see the other person one minute and want to kill them the next?  That is all par for the course when you are getting over break up.

Just as there are stages of grief when mourning someone who has diet, there are also steps that must be taken when getting over break up.  One woman whose first husband died and second husband divorced her said that it was actually easier getting over the death of a husband than it was recovering from divorce.  That is because there’s societal support when someone dies, but you are supposed to go about getting over break up on your own.

The first thing you should do is sit down and write a long letter to your ex.  Pour out your heart.  Share the experiences you had together.  Tell him or her why you loved them.  Put on paper how you feel about the break up.  Call them names.  It’s okay to emote in this letter because no one is ever going to see it.  That is because you are going to light a candle and burn the letter over the candle’s flame.  There are not many rituals that go along with breaking up, but this one can help you on the road to emotional recovery.

Next, you need to arrange to exchange stuff.  If you have been in a relationship of any length, you probably have some stuff of his at your place and he’s got your things at his.  You probably want much of this stuff back and he or she is equally eager to get theirs.  Work out a time for a mutual exchange.

If there are things of your ex’s that aren’t going to be exchanged, either box them up or throw them away.  Don’t leave your ex’s toothbrush lying around the bathroom because it will only remind you of them as you are trying to go about getting over break up.

It is also a good idea to box up any gifts your ex gave you for a time.  Wearing a watch that your ex gave you will make you think of them every time you check to see what time it is.  That’s just not a good idea when getting over break up.

There are sometimes financial matters that need to be straightened out when getting over a break up.  If you owe your ex money, try to either pay it off from your own funds or get another loan to pay it off.  If you have a checking account together, work out how you are going to divvy it up and then go to the bank to close it.

What you should be seeing is a pattern of closing out the parts of your lives that you shared.  This is essential to getting over break up.

After you have done what is necessary, agree to have no contact for thirty days.  This will allow you to start building separate lives.  You shouldn’t call, text, email, or meet the other person during this time.  You may even want to agree that some places such as a specific bar or even a given church “belong” to one party or the other during this month long period.

After you have had time to begin building a separate life, you will be able to interact more normally once again.  This is a difficult time, so give yourself the space you need in order to go about getting over break up.