If you read any agony aunt columns you will often see a letter titled “should I get back together with my ex boyfriend“. The answer is always; “It depends!”.

It depends on your age, how long you were together, why you broke up and ultimately what both of you want.

What does age have to do with it? Some people met their first love in their early teens and become convinced that this is the only person in the world that matters. For some it works out really well and years later they are celebrating their Golden Jubilee. But for most of us, our passionate youthful infatuations are not real love and we go on to meet our true soul mates. So if you are very young and have just split up with your first boyfriend, you should probably try dating some other boys first to see whether Mr Ex is in fact Mr Right as opposed to Mr Right now. If you have dated a load of men and this man is your ideal mate, then you should make every effort to get back together with him.

How long you were together will also play a part in whether you should make up or not. A couple who have been together a couple of weeks do not know each other that well despite what they may think. The sexual attraction between couples in the early stages of a romance can often blind you to the fact that your partner is not a candidate for a lifelong happy relationship. Emotions run very high in the early days and you could find yourself splitting up on a weekly basis. If this is the case, it is often a sign that there is no future for you at this point in time.

If you have been together for years, you may have split up because you have taken each other for granted. Couples drift apart as life gets in the way. You often find that you spend more quality time with your neighbors and friends than you do with your significant other. Illness, stress and financial worries can also play a part. If you have been together forever and have suddenly split up, then you should make every effort to sit down and discuss your relationship to see is it worth saving. Sometimes, sadly it isn’t but at least you will know that you have made every effort.

Why you broke up will partly determine whether you should get back together or not. If you and you ex boyfriend have split because of a silly misunderstanding then you should try getting back together. It is pointless letting your pride stop you from saying sorry if you acted childishly. If on the other hand you have split up due to lies, deceit, fraud or an affair, the decision to get back together is a lot more difficult.

Ultimately it depends on what both of you want. You cannot force someone else to love you even if you do resort to emotional blackmail. Saying I want to get back together with my ex boyfriend is easily achievable if he also wants this to happen.

So the relationship is over but now you have decided that you want your ex back.  Are your sure it is your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend you are missing and not just having someone special in your life?   This is especially important if you were the one who decided to break up.

Most relationships go through a bad patch at some point.  Some of the best marriages have survived problems that would have torn apart less sturdy partnerships.  Relationships are all about give and take.  That doesn’t mean that one person gives and the other takes!   Men and women are very different and we need to learn to live with one another.

Deciding you want to share your life with someone is a big commitment.  The sexual attraction between a couple, especially in the early stages, can often cloud their judgment and it is surprising how many people enter into long term relationships without having agreed the basics.  Little things like where you want to live and whether you want to have children are often forgotten in the excitement of being together.

Men and women fall out for all sorts of reasons.  At times of financial and family stress, we often pick on those nearest to us.  When you care for another person and know them intimately you have the power to really hurt that person.  If we ourselves are hurting, we often turn that hurt and anger onto the other person.

It is important to understand why you broke up in the first place. If you ended the relationship because one of you wanted children and the other didn’t, then you will find that this probably hasn’t changed. You may get back together but in the long run will split up again if this issue is not resolved.  Forcing someone into a huge life commitment like having a child against their will does not usually result in a long  term happy relationship.  If you have very different viewpoints on these life issues, you should stay apart and find someone more compatible to fall in love with.

If, on the other hand, you split up because of jealousy or some other petty incident then your relationship may be worth saving.  If you really miss your previous partner and know that you want to share your life with them, then you must do everything in your power to get back with your ex.

Contact your partner and let him/her know that you would like to meet up to discuss the future.  Do not get involved in a dissection of what went wrong before. It is too easy to put the blame on the other person.  Instead agree that there were problems but that you would like to rekindle the relationship.   If you want your ex back and your relationship was serious then you might want to suggest counseling.  It is often helpful to have an impartial person listen to your discussions. You are less likely to lose your temper, storm out and find yourself suddenly single again.

Do you care?  Asking yourself the question does my ex want to get back with me is the wrong way forward.  The real question is do you want your ex back?  If the answer to that is yes, then you can start worrying about what your previous partner wants.

A lot of people never understand why their relationship ended.  I find it amazing that many people going through a divorce are unable to explain why they are ending their marriage, especially when there are children involved.

It takes two to break up a relationship despite the fact that it is very easy to blame the other person. Even when someone else has an affair, it isn’t always 100% their fault. Don’t get me wrong, I am not condoning anyone being unfaithful but sometimes people are pushed into things.  If you take your man or woman for granted and forget to pay them any attention, they may end up looking somewhere else.  Some people will have affairs just because they can get away with it.  These people do not belong in a monogamous relationship.  But sometimes, a relationship is worth saving and the affair, whilst hurtful, can eventually strengthen the bonds between the couple.

Examining why a couple broke up will help both parties understand the issues in their relationship.  It will highlight those areas that require work.  All partnerships involve work and commitment.  Men and women often appear to live on different planets never mind speak other languages.  My husband once said to my Dad that he didn’t understand me.  My dads’ reply: that is where you are going wrong son you Never try to understand a woman!

Whilst it is the sexual attraction that initially attracts men and women, it is their compatibility that will keep them together long after the sexual flame resembles a candle as opposed to a flame thrower.  So before you start wondering how your ex partner is feeling, you need to be certain of your own wants and desires. Are you sure that this person is right for you?  Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with them?  Do you want the same things out of life i.e. kids, traveling, similar standard of living etc?   Do you share the same ideals and views about how to live your life?

It is very important to first establish if you would like to try again.   Knowing what you want will help you to work out what your ex wants.   Despite what Hollywood and other entertainment providers would have you believe, men want stable happy relationships just as much as women.   Generally the male is not as good as vocalizing what he wants and can finish a relationship rather than have to deal with a bad patch.

So instead of wasting time trying to answer does my ex want to get back with me, why not invite him round for coffee and see what happens.