Your questions about commitment issues dating relationship advice

Thursday, January 20th, 2011 at 12:05 am

Jenny asks…

Relationship Advice! Is commitment an issue to women that act like this? Kindly read.?

Me and this girl were dating for 3 months. All of a sudden she says that she feels its not going anywhere. BUT she calls me and texts me like we are still dating. Do you think she just needs time. Today she texts me twice and calls me and I didn’t respond until an hour later and she thinks I am ignoring her. Is this a game???? I really like her and i felt we really never got to know eachother well enough. Would she still miss me if i just back off and would that be my only chance. We clicked very very well. Had sex 2 times and enjoyed each other company. Anyone have any life experiences to share etc.. I am 30 she 26.Why would she think I am ignoring her if she broke it off? Any advice or anything .. PLEASE. Could she just be thinking of still being with me? What does a girl think in this situation.
Last night she invited me out to dinner then back to her house. I told her I thought she was confused and unsure of what she wanted. She really didn’t say much to that. We were happy together last night. She keeps saying we are friends but I don’t understand. Could it be she is just starting to have a lot of feelings and she is now terrified of being hurt or is she just being nice?? Next day I told her I was moving on and she was scared? Later that night we hung out and she had sex with me and she is starting to get close with me again! She now keeps talking about relationship stuff with me? Is this my second chance? Is she just fearful of commitment or what? Any Advice/Life experiences to share??

linda answers:

She’s scared of commitment but she doesn’t want to be alone.
I was in a relationship with a man two years older than myself who acted just like this. I figured that he did it because on the surface he fancied himself as a player but deep down he was terrified of being alone.
She’s keeping you dangling so that if she feels like no one wants her, she can call you and know that you’ll come running.

Tell her straight that you don’t understand and if she continues to show nothing but disrespect for your feelings, ignore her.
xxx

Ken asks…

I think I have commitment issues… any help, advice, or anything else it could be?

Im 15 and in highschool. Ive been asked out by some guys this year and as much as i want a long-term relationship, i cant seem to do it. I have a lot of friends who have been with their boyfriends for a year or 2 and are still together. i want that. When i finally get the guy i like to ask me out and i say yes, i get really uncomfortable and want to be with other guys and not with the guy who asked me out. ive tried to force myself to be happy, but i just can’t seem to do it. i would NEVER cheat though. the longest ive had a relationship for was 8 months and thats when i forced myself but it just made me feel worse. ive only dated about 7 guys (i dont make it official until we kiss, usually on the 2nd or 3rd date) and they were all really nice and seem to have cared about me, but i just kept criticizing them in my head even though i really liked them before. Before i started dating them, they looked perfect, i loved their personalities, everything about them, but as soon as westarted dating, it changed, i seemed to uncontrolably look for every little flaw they had. I havent had any trauma. my parants have been together for 23 years and are still going strong. Any help or advice?

linda answers:

Its just a phase and you will get through it but you cant make yourself sorry. I went through it too and so have my friends, its different for everyone in the way it happens but, i think it must just be part of growing up. It passes like every phase. I was with a guy who really liked me, even said he loved me and i thought he was awesome but I couldnt stay with him, i’d be at parties with him, but atttracted to different guys and then wanted to be with them instead, i broke it off and we stayed friends, and then i past through my phase and we ended up back together. I’d be with him forever given the chance so i dont think you have commitment issues, its just life x

Sandra asks…

Commitment issues??

Whenever I start dating someone I am perfectly happy and content dating them for about 2 months and then something just snaps. I start trying to avoid them. I don’t like being around him or even answering his phone calls. It’s been like this with every relationship I have ever had with a guy. I have never been hurt so I don’t feel like I’m trying to protect myself.
I have managed to stick it out for 6 months now with my current boyfriend. I am getting to that point where I don’t want to do anything with him anymore. I actually dread having to talk to him. This isn’t how I want to feel, but I can’t help it. He keeps telling me that he loves me, and that if I were to break up with him he would never be able to trust a woman ever again. I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a great guy. but I feel like I am incapable of loving anyone other than my friends and family. I just don’t feel the same way.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just need some advice. please.

linda answers:

I can relate to everything you just said. Not to overanalyze the matter, but it would probably be wise to look a little deeper into your tendancy.

Typically, I find it very difficult to be just “happy” in a relationship. It is great for a month or two, and then I’m looking for the exit. I’m pushing 40, and nothing has changed in the last 20 years of dating. At this point, there is no shame in just admitting some truths I have encountered.

1) I enjoy my own life, space, and privacy. Dating can be an intrusion. However, this alone does not make me look for the exit.

2) It seems difficult for me at times to believe that the person I am dating could possibly be interested in me. I contrive ways to invalidate their affection. People have told me I have low self esteem and low estimates of my worth. Not sure what it is they see.

3) It is difficult to look down the road even 3 to 5 years and see myself married, or in some instances raising step-children. Simply can’t picture it. Not that it is something I dread. Not at all. Put simply, try as I may, it is something that just doesn’t any kind of tangibility.

At this point, I’m getting a little tired of being alone. Having no emotional support system is hard to live with. I’ve asked the same questions you just did for 15 years or more.

I know this is no answer, but it is important to me that you not tear yourself up over the matter. Who knows, maybe it is as natural for you and I to want to be alone as it is for other people to naturaly want to be in a relationship.

Joseph asks…

Break up/Relationship Advice.. on the verge of insanity.?

Well if anyone has the time to hear me out, I’d REALLY appreciate it, because I have a lot to say, and I really, REALLY need the help from people who aren’t biased or won’t judge me.

I’m 18. I’ve been in one real relationship. Until I met this guy, I was basically a nobody, all I did was be a cute little innocent school girl. Until I met *him*. When we got together, everything changed, including what I did (like drinking, clubbing) to the people I hung out with. I met him when I was 16, and he was 18. I’m now 18 and he is 20. I grew up very quickly because of my ex. I matured faster and found myself always being the youngest in the crowd.

Because he was my first, we had a strong connection, but I was always curious, and sometimes I got bored and had commitment issues. He treated me like a queen. He did everything and anything for me. I always had attitude issues and got frustrated easily. I took him for granted. He forgave me a lot. Sometimes I would find myself getting lured into other guy’s traps. This happened nearly 3 times. The 3rd time I caught myself.

We dated for a total of 13 months. We just broke up 10 days ago. In these past 10 days I’ve had suicidal thoughts, I’ve hurt myself, I never wanted to wake up. I spent the last 13 months of my life with this man, and all of the sudden, HE’S GONE. Especially because our mutual friends prefer him over me, I feel very lonely. I don’t enjoy life anymore.

He says he can’t trust me, he says he never loved me, he says he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t grasp that though. He has said some very cruel things to me. I never cheated on him though. Never. I talked to other guys while dating him.

Disaster makes people change, and that’s what happened to me. I never realized anything was wrong with me until the most important thing was taken away from me, and I would kill to get my love back. I wanted to marry him. I just never could admit it, and I would never tell him… He gave me a ring, he took it back.. he took back all his clothes, everything. He ignored my calls for 10 days, we’ve talked a few times, but that would be me begging for him, or him telling me nasty, awful names.

How can I get my love back? I would do anything…
To the first responder, I did not cheat on him.

linda answers:

Hey! If I were you, I would check out this blog:

http://relationshipadviceandconfessions.blogspot.com/

You can email in a question and a relationship expert will reply with advice for you. It is awesome! They really helped me out yesterday. It’s completely anonymous. Good luck!

David asks…

my boyfriend has major trust and commitment issues..please help?

i met my boyfriend over the summer. he was not the normal type of guy that i would date but dispite all of the flaws or waht not i started to fall for him like really fast. which in my case never happens..i just never felt this way about anyone. come to find out i had more feelings for him and we stopped seeing eachother he actually went back to his ex at this time (at this point we were only dating nt committed). he ended up realizing that he had made a mistake and wanted to be with me and commit to me. he told me he didnt realize what he had when we were dating and wanted to make it work. well at this point i was aware of his trust and commitment issues due to his past relationships of woman lieing and cheating. i choose to take him back simply because i had felt from the moment i started dating him that things were just right. he is an amazing guy and i feel i am also an amazing woman…we are seriously the couple that everyone looks at and envys. everyone that sees us says we are perfect for each other and can see the chemistry. well i stopped dancing and made many changes for our relationship because i truly do care very deeply for him. everything was going great i mean better than i could have ever asked for. there were a few times where i didnt tell him the truth for no reason even though i could have i felt as though i couldnt which was my mistake. but i never cheated or did anything towards him or against our relationship. tht happend within the first 6weeks of our committed relationship. since then i have been so honest with him god is smiling at me. But he now is saying that he isnt sure if he sees a future due to his lack of trust and not being sure if he ever sees himself getting married. seriously i love this guy and know that i will never hurt him or ever be dishonest about anything but i dont know how to prove that to him. i have apologized to him many times about not being honest with him. we live together right now and we are trying to figure out what to do … stay together or split up . i want to stay together obviously but am at a loss of what to do…i know many people would say leave why would you want to be with a guy who feels that way but i care so much for him and want this to work i know how perfect we are together but idk if his fear of someone hurting him is gonna be the end of us… having him essentially shutting me out and pushing me away. please give me advice and no rude comments..thank you so much

linda answers:

You can’t control how he feels or what he wants. If he has no trust and is unsure of the relationship, and if he is thinking of splitting, you can’t force him to change his mind. It would be wrong on your part to make him stay in a relationship he doesn’t want.

Trust me, if he does want out, you’ll find at some point that there is a silver lining to this black cloud. If you’re an amazing woman, then there is a guy out there who WANTS to be in a committed, honest relationship without hesitation. A guy who has a healthy attitude and outlook.

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Your questions about christian relationship advice

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011 at 12:05 am

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Richard asks…

Christian relationship advice?

Okay well there’s this guy that has been my best friend for quite sometime. He’s liked me for a long time and I used to like him but just kind of ignored it because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship with drama. We live kind of far away and I saw him the other day again for the first time in over a year and I realized that I do have feelings for him…my problem? He’s as hard-core Atheist as I am Christian. We’ve literally gotten into too many arguments over religious situations to count but we always get over it the next day. Now he respect my beliefs and we’ve kind of just agreed to disagree and we avoid conversations that would get us in an argument. He doesn’t curse, drink, do drugs, party, he’s a virgin, he’s never even kissed anyone and neither have I. He’s like my ideal guy but there’s just that problem of religious beliefs and I know the Bible says not to be unevenly yoked. So I guess I just need some Christian advice on this, what is the best thing for me to do? Thank you for your help and God bless
Oh yeah…I’m 16, he’s 17 and we’ve been friends since we were 10

linda answers:

Ah, that is a problem. No, I wouldn’t date him. I’m really sorry to tell you that… but if you two can’t have that bond over a love for God… I don’t know if it would work out. You say “just that problem of religious beliefs” like it’s a little thing, but it’s really not. It’s the entirety of life, and if you’re a Christian, then you know how important it is. At this point, I would keep talking to him as his friend. Don’t get into arguments, but try to have discussions. I’m reading a great book by Tim Keller called “Reason for God”– it’s really helpful for talking about tough questions.
God bless.
>

Helen asks…

Any helpful Christian relationship advice for me???

Hi, there’s this guy i met in college last year & he moved back to Jersey and I’m still in Pa. We talked on & off for a year. Over the summer he started calling me every day for a mo. and now just stopped. He was supposed to call a wk ago but did not. He does this alot, tho i spoke to him about it. He has told me that he likes me but because of a past relationship he finds it hard to trust females.

I don’t think he realizes how bad he hurt my feelings by basically lying to me. I’m the type who is always on guard so for me to put myself out there to actually try to get to know someone & let them in was BIG. I need help on how to forgive him & get over this because I’m a big ball of confusion & hurt right now.

Recently, I found out that he was trying to meet & talk to other hoochies that don’t respect themselves. I just wanna continue to focus on my singing career & not let this ONE guy prevent me from trusting anymore.

Do any of you have any helpful advice for me?

linda answers:

Well, I think it’s important that you do forgive him so you don’t hold hostility and resentment toward him. But, by forgiving him I don’t think you allow him in again. Clearly he’s not in the same place you are with where you want the relationship to go. And if he says he is, I wouldn’t believe it. Even with the distance, if he wanted to devote himself to you, he would and you’d be hearing from him daily.
I think it’s ok that you protect yourself. God says to protect your heart for it’s the well-spring of your soul. That doesn’t mean you close yourself to everyone, it just means to not allow yourself to be vulnerable to those you don’t know are trustworthy yet. Let God guide you and he’ll let you know when to open your heart when you meet a special guy.
In the meantime, forgive this other guy and move on. Focus on your singing career and getting things accomplished for the life YOU want, not letting him hinder you! You’re miles apart. Dwelling on what’s happened with him isn’t going to help you move forward. Pray about it and ask God to help you leave him in your past.

Jenny asks…

Do you know of any websites that provide good Christian relationship advice?

linda answers:

www.readyourBible.Jesus

Michael asks…

Hi, Christian relationship advice please???!!!?

Hi, there’s this guy i met in college last year & he moved back to Jersey and I’m still in Pa. We talked on & off for a year. Over the summer he started calling me every day for a mo. and now just stopped. He was supposed to call a wk ago but did not. He does this alot, tho i spoke to him about it. He has told me that he likes me but because of a past relationship he finds it hard to trust females.

I don’t think he realizes how bad he hurt my feelings by basically lying to me. I’m the type who is always on guard so for me to put myself out there to actually try to get to know someone & let them in was BIG. I need help on how to forgive him & get over this because I’m a big ball of confusion & hurt right now.

Recently, I found out that he was trying to meet & talk to other hoochies that don’t respect themselves. I just wanna continue to focus on my singing career & not let this ONE guy prevent me from trusting anymore.

Do any of you have any helpful advice for me?

linda answers:

He failed to call you when he said he would, and you have some second-hand information that he’s considering dating other women. It is a bit thoughtless/forgetful of him, but doesn’t really qualify as lying. If he DOES lie to you, I’d recommend not pursuing anything with him, but for now he’s guilty of nothing more than forgetfulness.

John asks…

Godly Christian relationship advice needed?

i’m in a relationship and sorta not sure what to do. i care about this guy and dont’ wanna lose or hurt him. but he has a way to go with God before he’s in a relationship, i can see that, he needs to grow more spiritually. also i have my fears of being used or played and i would like to not be in this relationship so that i can try moving on sorta to see if the way i feel for him is just cuz he’s my only option being so that i’m in a relationship with him. i know i dont make much (or any!) sense but i’m really confused and would really appriciate any friendly advice. i’m to the point i don’t know what to do and i want the Lord’s will but can’t seem to find it!!!
oh but this guy tells me he doens’ty wanna lose me adn he hasn’t said he needs to break up, it’s me with the questions. he actually insists that he’s fine…

linda answers:

thats a most understandable position to be in. from a guys prospective, he should be able to lead and encourage you in your faith/walk, not the other way around. if hes not there, or where he should be as a believer, you would be doing a dis-service to him and you by continuing to be in a relationship. you cant make him a better christian, only his relationship with God can. friends at a minimum? maybe but it will be difficult. a girl should be so close to God that a guy has to go to Him to find her. when emotions get involved it can be even more confusing. step back and take some time.

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How To Get Over Girl

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010 at 4:55 pm

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Many girls dump their boyfriends and don’t give any real reason. They have the urge to purge and drop their lover without him doing anything to her. Sometimes they want to get back together right away, but other times, they move on leaving you to hold the bag. This article will discuss how to get over girl.

First of all, you should understand that you are not alone. Most men fear being dumped by a serious lover than being rejected in the early stages of dating. This is because the bonds men form with the women they are dating are important to them. Sometimes it seems that the men see them as more important than the women do despite all of the literature directed toward women about relationships.

To get over girl, you need to stop adoring her. Don’t put her up on a pedestal like some kind of Greek Goddess. She has feet of clay which she exposed by dumping you when you did nothing wrong.

Don’t hold on to past memories of her. Get rid of the photos and momentos in your home that remind you of her. If you have some of her “stuff” get rid of it or give it back to her.

If you have entangled finances, sort them out so you can move on. This includes both joint banking accounts and settling debts you owe each other.

Don’t allow her to occupy the space in your mind that she had when you were together. She is part of the past and you have to live in the present and the future.

Close out all contact with your ex. Don’t call her “just to chat” or allow her to continue to email or text you. Instead, tell her that she called it quits and you want to start a new life without her in it.

This may make her want to pursue you even harder. Women are crazy that way. They want what they can’t have. If you are open to restarting the relationship, you can allow this communication to go on. But, if you want to start the healing process, she should be a persona non gratis in your life.

Don’t be afraid to express your feelings. Sometimes writing in a journal or writing music is sufficient. Other times, you’ll need a shoulder to lean on. If the situation is severe, consider getting short term counseling.

Finally, don’t mope around the house. Get back into the game. While you may not be ready to start dating again, you should go to the gym, play basketball with your buddies and go to a bar from time to time. Don’t stick around the house because you are too sad to go out.

If you have the opportunity to go out on a casual date, take advantage of it. Show the girl a good time, even if you’re not really that in to her. You will be more ready for a real relationship if you’ve kept up your dating skills.

That is how to get over girl.

How To Win Your Ex Back When You’re Suffering From The Pain Of A Break Up

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010 at 12:52 am

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Are you suffering from the pain of a break up? Do you feel that you would do anything to turn back the clock a few days? If your love’s run out, here’s how to win your ex back.

First of all, don’t go out and chase them. They probably need some space. In fact, often they will come to regret their decision if they aren’t pressured.

That means that you shouldn’t call, text or email them for a week or so. Whatever you do, don’t go begging them to come back. Don’t send flowers or love notes. Instead, hang back and chill.

After a week or so, if your love hasn’t made any contact, it is now okay to do it yourself. But be casual about it. Drop them an email saying “how are you doing?” Again, don’t overdo it. You don’t want to seem too eager.

Just as there is power in romantic relationships, there is a power balance in a break up situation. If you give up your power by chasing your ex, you actually lessen your chances of getting them back.

If the situation was a minor blow up, you may be able to win your ex back by stepping back for a few days and then dropping a casual hint that you are still interested.

But, if a month or so has gone by and you’re still not back together, it’s time to step things up. By this time, he or she has probably started thinking about new partners. Now, it’s time to really learn how to win your ex back.

It is very important not to crowd your ex, even when you are pursuing them. Don’t stalk. It is okay to show up where they hang out from time to time, but be prepared to pay attention to other people besides your ex.

You should also consider contacting your ex from time to time in a casual way. For instance, you could email them saying “I walked by the park where we flew kites that time and it made me think of you. I miss those days.” Also, make sure that you always remember their birthday with a card or small gift. This will let them know that they are still on your radar.

One controversial tactic is to ask one of your ex’s friends out on a date. Then text your ex and ask him or her where the friend would like to go on the date. This will make your ex think that you are moving on and make him or her question whether they really want to be broken up.

It is okay to date other people while you are broken up, but you should refrain from sleeping with them. Your ex may consider this a final sign that the relationship is over. So, be true to your love even though you have broken up.

And that is how to win your ex back.

How To Win Your Ex Back When Youre Suffering From The Pain Of A Break Up

Are you suffering from the pain of a break up? Do you feel that you would do anything to turn back the clock a few days? If your love’s run out, here’s how to win your ex back.