New Marriage-Just The Beginning

The beginning of a marriage can seem like a magical time, but it can also be a time where you can easily start building resentments and distrust if you are not careful. Here are a few points to keep in mind so you can keep your new marriage feeling for a long time to come.

Probably one of the most difficult, and potentially dangerous, situations for a newlywed couple is finding the right balance when dealing with in-laws. This can be especially difficult if one of the partners was still living at home right before the marriage.

It can take time for the parent to learn to let go and they may want to be in the life of their newlywed child more than the newlywed child, and spouse, would really like.

It’s important that the newlyweds stay united on this front. Decide (compromise if you have to) on what the limits will be. Decide if you think the parents should call before they stop by, or if you think you should limit the number of visits and calls weekly.

Once the two of you have come up with a plan you can both agree on, it’s time to tell the folks. Whether you do it together as a couple or one on one will depend on the unique dynamic of the relationship. If the parents of one partner don’t particularly like the spouse, it may be best if the child talks to their parents without their spouse,otherwise there could be fireworks.

The other big problem a new marriage can face is not knowing how to be a couple. You’ve both been independent and it might take some time to begin to think more like a couple.

No one is saying that you have to lose your identity, far from it. It’s really all about balance. Finding the right balance between your “couplehood” and your independence. And the right balance for you and your marriage may not be right for someone else. You and your spouse need to find your balance.

For example, some newlyweds feel like they need to be joined at the hip but unless you are both comfortable with that arrangement, it will only cause trouble. Instead, why not keep the same basic balance you had before you were married? Is there any real reason that that has to change just because you are married? In most cases, no.

You also have to both be willing to talk about things like money and feelings. I know it can be hard and you don’t have to share every little thing, but you are in this together now and it’s important to establish trust and open lines of communication. The sooner you both learn to do it the smoother your marriage will be.

For many newlywed couples the issues they face are pretty easy to deal with when compared to issues they are likely to deal with later in the marriage. If you can’t find a way to work through these easy issues what are you going to do when you have kids, or are faced with health issues, or money issues later in your marriage?

Think of your new marriage like the foundation of your married life. Take the time to make sure you both learn how to communicate, compromise and work through problems together. If you do you will enjoy your marriage a whole lot more.

New Marriage-Just The Beginning

The beginning of a marriage can seem like a magical time, but it can also be a time where you can easily start building resentments and distrust if you are not careful. Here are a few points to keep in mind so you can keep your new marriage feeling for a long time to come.

Probably one of the most difficult, and potentially dangerous, situations for a newlywed couple is finding the right balance when dealing with in-laws. This can be especially difficult if one of the partners was still living at home right before the marriage.

It can take time for the parent to learn to let go and they may want to be in the life of their newlywed child more than the newlywed child, and spouse, would really like.

It’s important that the newlyweds stay united on this front. Decide (compromise if you have to) on what the limits will be. Decide if you think the parents should call before they stop by, or if you think you should limit the number of visits and calls weekly.

Once the two of you have come up with a plan you can both agree on, it’s time to tell the folks. Whether you do it together as a couple or one on one will depend on the unique dynamic of the relationship. If the parents of one partner don’t particularly like the spouse, it may be best if the child talks to their parents without their spouse,otherwise there could be fireworks.

The other big problem a new marriage can face is not knowing how to be a couple. You’ve both been independent and it might take some time to begin to think more like a couple.

No one is saying that you have to lose your identity, far from it. It’s really all about balance. Finding the right balance between your “couplehood” and your independence. And the right balance for you and your marriage may not be right for someone else. You and your spouse need to find your balance.

For example, some newlyweds feel like they need to be joined at the hip but unless you are both comfortable with that arrangement, it will only cause trouble. Instead, why not keep the same basic balance you had before you were married? Is there any real reason that that has to change just because you are married? In most cases, no.

You also have to both be willing to talk about things like money and feelings. I know it can be hard and you don’t have to share every little thing, but you are in this together now and it’s important to establish trust and open lines of communication. The sooner you both learn to do it the smoother your marriage will be.

For many newlywed couples the issues they face are pretty easy to deal with when compared to issues they are likely to deal with later in the marriage. If you can’t find a way to work through these easy issues what are you going to do when you have kids, or are faced with health issues, or money issues later in your marriage?

Think of your new marriage like the foundation of your married life. Take the time to make sure you both learn how to communicate, compromise and work through problems together. If you do you will enjoy your marriage a whole lot more.

I bet there was a time when the two of you were much happier together. Then things started to turn sour. Maybe you can trace it to one specific event, or maybe it’s something that has been slowly building up over time. Either way, you are now at a point where you are wondering if you break up or make up.

While I would love to be able to give you a simple answer one way or another, that wouldn’t be fair to you. That’s because everybody is different, and every relationship is different. However, there are some things that can help you decide which one is bet for you at this time.

If you are in an abusive relationship, then it’s not a question of break up or make up, it’s a question of how fast you can get out of it. This may not be easy, but it’s necessary. You have to get away from the abuse. There is always a chance that they will change, but you must see absolute proof. In other words, don’t let them beg and plead for you to come back. Also, you should know that while they may change, it’s actually quite rare, so you may be better off making a clean and permanent break.

Other situations are more tricky. You need to determine if there are any romantic feelings left in the relationship. Even the smallest ember can be rekindled into a meaningful relationship, but it’s going to take work. And that leads to the next point…
Do you care for your partner enough to do whatever it takes to make up? It can take a long time, and a lot of work to get your relationship to where you want it to be. You’ll probably have to make changes to some of your habits, learn how to communicate more effectively, and be able to deal with the ups and downs as you’re working things out.

You may think you’re in love, but you have to be sure. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking they love somebody, but in reality they’re just in love with the idea of being love. If that’s the case with you, that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong that. In fact, it’s much better to be up front and honest about it now so you can start finding somebody else to fall into “real” love with.

So far we have been talking about you when it comes to the decision of whether to break up or make up, but you also need to consider how your partner feels. If you want to work things out, and they want out of the relationship or don’t love you anymore, then it’s best to respect their decision. Besides, by doing it this way you actually increase your odds of getting your ex back in the future if that’s something you decide you want to do. Either way, don’t rush into making a decision about staying together or splitting up. Such a decision has serious consequences, and should be made seriously.

It seems like every time we turn around there is a new book or magazine article about relationship break up advice. The truth is that finding out the best way to deal with a breakup is information virtually every one will need at some point.  Whether you want to try to get your ex back, or just move on with as little pain as possible, it will take time (and having some friends around won’t hurt either).

The length of the relationship will often determine how long it will take you to move on. Most of the time, though not always, the longer the relationship and the more memories and baggage you have the longer it will take for you to stop grieving and feel like you want to meet someone new.  Even if they cheated on you or did something really bad, it will more often than not still take quite a bit of time for you to finally separate from them emotionally.

Even though we may wish we could at times, we can’t just flip a switch and turn off all the love and companionship we’d been feeling for such a long time. We will need to edge away slowly, in baby steps, until finally we can stand on our own and we’ll have moved on. The first step to this process is to get away. Maybe not literally, but figuratively. Put away all the pictures and mementos the two of you collected during your time together. Don’t call them or accept their call if they call you. You need space and time.

Everyone is different, for you it might be easier to have some friends come over and pack everything up all at once and put it in the attic.  For others it may be easier to do it in small steps, a little each day until it’s all out of sight. There is no wrong way, as long as it gets done.  Even doing something like redecorating or painting may help you get the fresh perspective that will help you.

If you’ve been meaning to buy new furniture or paint the wall in the living room, now may be the perfect time. For one thing it will give you something to do, something positive, that will keep you at least a little distracted. Another thing is that you will be changing the look of your environment which will make it a little easier to forget and move on.

No one is suggesting that a coat of paint on the wall or a new couch will make all the pain go away, but it might give you something else to focus on and take away some of the things that will trigger the painful memories of the two of you watching movies or doing the crossword puzzle on Sunday mornings. Those little memories of the seemingly unimportant times are the toughest to forget.  The best relationship break up advice I can give you is to keep moving forward in life, surround yourself with friends and family and hang in there, it does get better.

When it comes to trying to stop your divorce most of us will do the exact opposite things to what we should really do. One of the most common things is to plead, beg and promise to make changes. A better thing to do is to be realistic. Sometimes a marriage can’t be saved, and maybe shouldn’t be saved. Decide if your marriage really should be saved.

It’s easy to get scared of the prospect of being alone, especially when you’ve been with someone for a long time. Just make sure that that is  not the reason you want to stay married. It’s not a good reason.

If you find that you really do want to save your marriage for the right reasons than you have got options. Here are some things you can do, or not do, to help save your marriage:

1.  First things first, assuming that your partner isn’t just a jackass, but has been a loving partner to you and has just gotten to the point where they don’t see a future between the two of you, take some time to evaluate how you and your marriage have changed since the two of you have been together.

It’s sad but true that we often drift apart from each but it happens so slowly we don’t even realize it.  Try to compare where the two of you are now in your relationship as opposed to where you used to be. Now don’t be unrealistic. People change and so do relationships, you can’t expect to feel exactly the same way together as you did when you were twenty. That’s unrealistic. But that doesn’t mean that as the two of you have changed and grown that your marriage can’t change and grow and stay strong too. Has it? Or have the two of you gone your separate ways without even realizing it?

2. After you’ve given that some thought and hopefully come up with some ideas, talk to your spouse. I mean really talk, talk like you probably haven’t talked to each other in years. Openly, honestly without anger and resentment. Don’t accuse, just suggest. Tell them what you think and ask them what they think. Even though you are both coming at it from different angles, you might just find that you are both on the same page.  Talking will help you find out.

3. One of the best things the two of you can do is to find a counselor who can guide you down this path. The two of you have probably had years of poor communication skills and bad habits, it’s going to be hard to break those bad habits alone. A counselor can help. A counselor can also act as referee if things start to get a little too heated. If you really want to save your marriage this is usually the best way to go about it.

By trying to stop your divorce you just might make your marriage better than it’s been in a long time, or maybe better than it’s ever been. Just talk to one another, and more importantly, listen to one another. Find someone who can help you navigate this difficult path, and you’ll have a very good chance of making things work out just the way you want.