Save My Marriage- Put Your Marriage First

Often, couples come to a point in their relationship where things are not as they once were. They feel separated, lonely, and sometimes even as if the other person does not love them with the intensity that once existed. Deep down, they might be feeling “I want to save my marriage”, but they simply don’t know where to begin.

This is the time to place all of the cares of the world to the side and bring the marriage back in first place- where it should have always been. Typically, this is one of the number one reasons why couples have problems. Not everyday, life problems: but issues that should not have advanced to a much higher, and more costly, level.

One of the main problems facing couples is that they do not resolve issues as they occur. One person may feel “its too small to matter”, or “I should just let it go”. But if it is big enough to contemplate it as a problem, then it is a big enough problem to work out now. What is a minor issue now can lead to a major fight later, if left unresolved.

We have all heard how important communication is in a relationship. But part of that equation also involves openness. Many people falsely believe that the two are one and the same, but in actuality, they can be quite different.

Communication involves talking to your spouse and telling them how you feel. Openness defines how much you communicate. Just saying that you want to communicate is one thing: saying you want to be open about anything is an entirely different matter.

Men are notorious for making this mistake. Many are taught from a young age to guard their emotions, not let them out, and if so, only in small, inconspicuous amounts that will not attract attention or deter from their manhood. He may feel as if he is guarding his emotions, but at the same time he is being reserved. Being reserved doesn’t solve a problem: being open does.

If we trust our companion enough to marry, to single them out to devote our life to, and to cherish for the rest of our lives, then why not be open with them, too? Many areas of a person’s life involve things that they might consider inconsequential, or not worth bring up. If a person really feels that, “I want to save my marriage”, then let the spouse decide if they are inconsequential or not.

The emotional roller coaster of a painful breakup generally affects both parties in similar ways.  The intensity may be different for the person who wanted the breakup than for the ‘dumpee’, but both people will go through the emotional stages of a relationship breakup.

Knowing and recognizing the different steps for what they are can help you move through the process a little easier.  Each stage is necessary so you can heal and be whole and able to find love again some day.  Don’t try to shortcut the steps, just remember that after you’ve gone through each step you will be on the road to feeling better.

There is no time limit for how long each step should take to get through. How long it takes will depend on a lot of things such as how secure you are in  yourself and what type of a support system you have.

Here are the 5 major steps in a relationship breakup:

1) Pain.  This will often hit hard and fast.  At first the pain can be diminished somewhat by a feeling of disbelief but once that passes the pain can seem unbearable.  This is a physical pain.  You might not be able to eat or sleep.  Everything seems like too much effort. You just want to crawl into a corner and be left alone.

2) Denial.  This is the step when you start thinking that it is all a big mistake and surely your ex will realize it very soon and the two of you will be back together.  That can be a dangerous way to think.  It is important that you try to move through this stage as quickly as possible.  Lingering too long in this stage can really make it harder to heal and move on.

3) Anger.  This is when all your fear and hurt turns to anger.  You are outraged that someone who claimed to love you could hurt you so deeply.  This stage is very destructive and hurtful to both parties and if you’re not careful how you handle this stage you migh sabotage any chances you have of getting back together.

It’s also important to make sure you don’t become overly bitter.  If you let that bitterness grow too strong it could follow you into other relationships making it harder to ever having a fulfilling relationship again.

4) Grieving.  At this stage you will mourn your lost relationship.  You will often spend a lot of time reminiscing about all the good times the two of you had shared.  It is very important to keep a close watch on your mental health during this stage.

If you ever feel like ‘ending it all’ make sure you seek help immediately.  It is impossible to believe while going through this but you really will love again, if you allow yourself to.

5) Acceptance.  You will finally reach a point where you realize it’s over.  You are stronger and better able to start thinking more about your future and less about your past. This time can be bittersweet: you’ve realized and dealt with the fact that your relationship is over which is sad, but you’re also excited about new opportunities and convinced you will find love again.

The more you know about the  emotional stages of a relationship breakup and how to deal with them the easier and quicker you can move on from living in the past to a bright new future.  Just make sure you understand that this is all normal and it will get better, just hang in there.